• Everything happens for a reason.
• Never give up.
• Nothing lasts forever.
• There are no free rides, ever.
• If you cant cope with something in this life, you wont in the next.
• History does not have to repeat itself.
• What you need and what you want are two completely different things, one of which you can live without.
• If i dont find you in this life i will find you in the next.
• If you go through life not knowing or understanding, you wont be worthy of the things you have in life. Remaining a 'child'.
• One death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
• They say the mind bends and twists to cope with the horrors in life. Sometimes the mind bends so much, it snaps in two.
• You are like a sports car, you are awful fast. You smell of sex and money and you cannot go far. But i am like a tractor, i am slow but i am fit. And eventually i will find you, and crush you like a little shit.
• You dont even have to move to destroy someone.
• Seeing someone live with pain is far more satisfying than seeing them die from it.
• Next time you open your mouth i'll put my fist down your throat, so deep you cannot swallow. I'll make your body hollow. You will enjoy the abuse 'cos you've got nothing to lose. I swear i'll fist fuck your brain until i'm smiling again.
• There are people who lead and people who follow. I am one of few proud to be neither.
• I am not lost, home didnt exist anyway. I am not afraid, just planning quietly. I am not alone, because i am more than you will ever be. I dont exist, but i'm always there. 
• Well you are shit out of luck are'nt you? Because as far as i'm concerned, I died a fuckin' long time ago!!!
• A beautiful thing sits oddly in the wrong hand.
• My heart is broken. Can i have yours?
• The things that are worth having are not easy to obtain.
• They can torture and destroy your body, and in a sense the mind can be touched, but your memories and dreams will always be free.
• Learn to live with YOURSELF and look after yourself alone first - especially if you want to look after ANOTHER person in the best possible way.
• You might WANT SOMEONE, but you sure as hell DONT NEED THEM.
• The pen is mightier than the sword, but only if the pen is the size of a baseball bat .
• In life you take NO SHIT and NO FUCKING PRISONERS.
• Someone who continually talks pussy - normally is one.
• You can take the person out of the fight, but you cant take the fight out of the person.
• The world sees you as one person. But one person can see you as the world. 

 

 

 

 

        I am  Miss Maxen J. Derive~    (pronounced DEREEVAY)

 

     Now, i never liked explaining, but some things are so shit its worth letting people know what kind of shit is among us - EVEN MYSELF, you should have figured out that i'm not particularly nice, but ONLY WHEN UPSET BY SOMETHING SOMEONE HAS DONE.

I'm a teacher of lessons - the lessons that YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO DO THAT TO ME AGAIN - and that I WILL MAKE YOU PAY for what you have done.

I will make you pray for a DEATH FULLSTOP. Which i will never dish out as you wont deserve it.

Why am I past the point of caring about people, helping or supporting anything? and why i will physically go through or over anyone that chances getting in the way of my life, why i find love and it's 'department' (thanks to the nice whores and users out there) a joke and disease,  why i find getting close to people is a very bad move indeed, why i have been with severe depression from age 8, and am developing an unhealthy taste for watching people suffer (mentally mostly. Just like me). And hey, while i'm here, explain why i LET the darkness into my life. Oh and how can i forget - why my one and only holder of my heart (what’s left of it) is 1800kgs of steel in the form of a 1987 Ford Capri.

                         

           One group of people (And this is familiar to many others i know.) were the pathetic and single-minded little sheep plaguing me throughout school life. With the constant verbal comments and name-calling. The physical abuse of throwing or pouring things on me. The fact that whatever they did to me they got away with scotfree - ME on the otherhand, if ever i said a word out of line i would be hung, drawn and quartered. That makes me sick beyond belief. But there's a good explanation for this behaviour - a classic example of people having their heads right up their ass, quite happily living in their own virtual sunshine. This torment eventually got so bad i skipped school when i could (One time i sat all day in the rain in a small patch of bushes in a park. I was 12.) and i also resorted to take the second (-nonschool related and thus late) bus to avoid all the crap that happens. That upset my GCSE's too. Muggins here also had to be in the worst class ever in the schools' history and so the teachers were busy pulling their hair out and quitting so we never actually did work. Pisses me off because my grades were pretty damn good till those kiddies got worse. My braincells just dissolved.

Later on there was a little matter of boyfriends and even just friends turning into the worst people on the planet.               (2003) My first boyfriend (and first love believe it or not!) was when i was 16 and just finishing GCSE's. At the time my family problems were seriously wrong (The same year in Feb i took an overdose - more about that later.) but i will just mention that the overdose i took was and is the last time i try killing myself - despite what happened with this partner afterwards. He did everything right in the beginning, words, actions and just generally was the only person good to me and helping. Decided to try being together more. The age difference not really being an issue (he was 46) and technically he was old enough to know right from wrong ect. but i did start to fall for him at this point though. We also lived next door to each other which made things hard when it went wrong, but anyway, eventually after 3 odd months we stayed together one night. Now, for those of you who think sleeping together is something totally different these days - that was precisely all we did, SLEEP, ok ok i did sleep eventually after watching + listening to him sleep for an hour or so, but that’s me. Felt right at the time but later on i thought a bit more and something inside said a bad thing about it. I figured out why later on. A few weeks into the relationship we had an argument over nothing - then this turned into a very very regular thing. We argued every two days and after a month we split up every week! Once he sent me sick texts and pictures from one of his old 'broken' phones in the middle of the night and basically blamed it on the boss of my very first job i had at the time. No-one called me a particular name at the time or ever except him and that’s when i thought it was him - i confronted him when i found the texts and pictures on that particular mobile of his (problem was was that i felt so sick and light i deleted them before i either blew up or fell to the ground - bad move really. No proof.) He threatened me and shouted and said anyone could have done it blah blah blah - boss also came into it again.

       He came into the shop that i worked in a couple of times and started firing things up in front of people and when my boss rang him a couple of times to find out where i was or what happened ect he made me sound a prat.

      One time when i said to him i was going home instead of listening to him shout at me over me spending a couple of hours repairing my hobby car while he was supposedly doing paperwork, he grabbed me and pulled me back inside - which was nothing till next time. It didnt help that his 3 kids were used to what he did to them and turned a blind eye. I did try to get on with them but how experienced was i? but i didnt mind because they were a part of him. Even his son who hated me because i chose his father over him (Despite being 20 he was a brat. But i felt sorry for him the more i learnt about what he has been through) - but he made things difficult to deal with too, more so In front of his friends.

           One night my partner said, and i dont even know why it was so insignificant, 'do you want anything to come of this (relationship)?' as i was sleeping next to him and he woke me up and i said i didnt want anything to come of this shouting and pushing me about - it was all over nothing. This was when he pulled off the duvet grabbed my stuff out of the wardrobes and said 'well then get out of my house' i just said fine and got my stuff and just went to the backdoor, then he grabbed one of the boots i was putting on to go out and threw it to the bottom of the garden while shouting some crap. He eventually got to the point of saying all i said about things in my life and what has happened was a lie to get attention (things like my dad abusing me and how i DID MANAGE to put it aside as he was my dad, about the friends i had at the time although they were mainly just higher people i knew and worked with before, and the things i knew damn well were his doings i.e the sick texts. I couldnt believe what he was saying, i just dont know how he could say it let alone think i would lie about those things. How can i possibly lie about things like that? everybody knew about these things and that they were true anyway - things like that cant stay secret for long - not with my sodding family especially! I just stood there with my jaw on the floor - what could i say? i wasnt going to tell him he was lying and what his problem was with me and get him wound up even more, not after when i put my hand on the door handle to get out and he got my arm and said he would break them both if i didnt get away from the door, then said he would punch me if i did it again. So i just stood there and left him to speak as much shit as he liked. He said i was nothing. Asked what was so damn special about me. Said all the names under ther sun and spat in my face. ( Lets remember the fact that i am still a virgin to this day and he was my one and only, even when we split up for however long. He was the one that has screwed everything with a hole (my own mother and pigs included) half the city and police force know his life. God knows how many things he has caught off of these creatures - thinking about it made my skin crawl. He cheated on me various times and i knew that because he would disappear and come home and treat me like a bag of shit - it's just obvious. As far as me bothering at all with anyone else - do you think i would want to have to put up with another joke in my life as well as his attitude? no. Besides, i only need THE ONE person in my life).    He grabbed me by the arms and dragged me upstairs, then threw me on the bed and started strangling me, so i kicked him in the stomach with the one boot i had on - luckily at that point my mum and bro came round and belted on the door. I just went straight out the door when he unlocked it. They just had a chat with him and that was the last of that. Me, 15minuits later i was pissing out blood (periods just exploded out of nowhere) and my hair fell out when i brushed it. Was shaking quite a bit too as you would. But guess what - i gave him another chance even after all this.

     After all these things - which also include i might add, me giving up the martial arts i was doing, giving up the people i knew, giving my first job up to save a bit of dignity and at the time almost anything to do with my dad's car which i really love to bits (for me that was a biggie) all for this ONE PERSON I THOUGHT WAS WORTH MY TIME AND SPACE - do you know what was the final straw for me? when it was a few days before Christmas and my last day at work. It was freezing, was well wrapped up and came out at 6pm. Was a shit day and i just wanted to get home to the warm and forget it all. My partner got angry at me for not putting a kiss at the end of a text to say i was out for picking up - my fingers were frozen despite the thick gloves and i just hurried my texting. He never did pick me up at all. It was 9.0clock when i had walked across town and rang my brother who had to get out of bed to pick me up. I went to see my partner as soon as i got back, after shouting at me and blaming it on me blah blah blah (again), he slowly said he saw me and drove right past me in the first half hour. Can you believe it? i could after what he has been able to do. That was it for me. I NEEDED him again and he just left me.

      Oh, forgot to mention that he burnt some of the possessions i left at his one time we split up, and that he shot an amp i gave him to pieces using a shotgun then gave it back to me. Ah yes, and a few months after we split up for good at Christmas - he killed his dog. Well why not? IT WAS around - I WASNT. He came round to my house to stab me with a knife and it didnt work, so why not destroy something UTTERLY defenceless? bet that made him feel like a man, certainly cant do shit to another man unless he has a gun in his hand or his entire family standing infront of him. Was a female dog too, funny that

                       

....Yep, i reckon this was the point i lost half my heart.

   The February of 2004 however, i had a steady job and the people i worked with were brilliant which made a change. Then, on the 29th of may i found my other half..... The CAR i can give all the love i have left to and never be let down, that would make me whole again and give me a reason to fight for a life i have always wanted, that makes me feel safe and good inside, that will bring out all of my emotions and at the same time, lock out all my bad memories. The one thing i have left to live for, work for, stand with and protect forever. He is also something else no one can understand. He is just like me. When i bridge the holes he has i get a little piece of myself fixed in the process. I make him stronger - he makes me stronger, no person alive can make me feel these things - the things i NEED.

         What about the bits where 'i love you' comes in or what if you need a hug , or something TO JUST TELL YOU 'THINGS WILL BE OK' you ask? well, whatever you haven't had before you cannot possibly miss. Yes. I have been hugged - but it was totally fake. Just like i have heard family and a few other people say 'i love you' - there were so many lies behind each set of those three words i knew damn well it was meaningless - thus made me feel worse. I don't miss things that hurt. Maybe some people need to have a few deaths around them to teach them what love really is? or perhaps try living my life and find out that way.

      Trust is the hardest thing to earn or gain. I find it exceptionally difficult to even believe a single word that anyone says, but i have had years of sitting in the dark letting emotions sink down and thinking about everything that has, can and might happen in many different angles and sides each. I have learnt more about how people think and the reasons as to why things happen. I changed the way i look at and approach things ( logically really) but bearing in mind all the little details i missed in judging people correctly (- for example: i missed out WHY my friends' wife left him - and thus overlooking the fact that he was pretending to be the person he could never actually be. So i was reeled in and crunched. Gotta remember those mistakes so you don't make them again! Then again i should have also paid more attention to a dream i had, in plenty of time too, to avoid that very nasty mistake. I can see things clearer than most people. I can watch films and listen to music in the best way - understanding and realising why it was said or done. Music has helped me let my emotions cool down without blowing something up or butchering something to help me release them. I guess this was the only thing i could just about get away with, that and the sitting in my room all available time, in the dark quietly bit - people still gave me shit for it - why i dont even understand - pointless. Because there was nothing else to pick at? probably. It was a more contained way than running round the streets setting fire to things, taking drugs and drinking. Is that what they preferred me to do or something? TURN OUT LIKE THEM? I WILL die by my own hand if i start to turn out anything like the people i hate.

    When i was 12, i learnt something that made all my blurred dreams and thoughts become sickeningly true. It was about when i was under 3 and my uncle abusing me. Never did i think the thoughts i had and weird feelings toward my uncle was actually real and unsurprising. He really did do that to me. My parents knew this all that time and never said a word. Never even kept him the hell away from me - just left it. Said "the older you got the further away he got - you were getting big enough to give him a kicking basically."

    But this was just another thing to put alongside what my dad was doing to me at the time of hearing this truth. A very gradual thing was starting to happen while i was 11 and 12. My dad did the odd stupid thing to me while i was asleep. First when i was sleeping he would just watch me before going into the shower, then one time down the line a bit, i woke up and froze at the sight of my dad kneeling beside me

lifting the last little bit of duvet i had between my legs. The next day he said 'i was covering you up.' - course you were dad.

      This is increasingly difficult to handle remembering. Another time he put his hand on the top of my chest - in a slow movement (the top of my bed was behind the door). The final time he was laying beside my bed with no clothes on and kept pulling up my duvet from behind me as i was facing the wall - which i kept pulling it down and tucking it in to stop him but he didnt - so i just jumped up and shouted at him 'get out, I’m not interested' he just went out and into the shower. I had to go downstairs and sit in the kitchen when he went into my mums room. I got a banana and smushed it all over the table. I just didnt know what the hell to do or how to take it. I was 12 what could i do? i decided not to tell the police, i wanted to leave it for now - use this lifeline when i really had to. For now and as it stands for some years to come, place him on a drip that would eventually bleed him dry and take everything away from him (Bit like the sword dangling above heads. Waiting). My revenge.

       But there was another side to this, when i was 13 i think - we had to move because the folks had finally split up and was getting divorced - thing was was that i had to stay at the place my dad was staying at (with his mate) with my bro and the mate. This was ultimately my decision to stay there - i did not want to stay with my mum and her new B/F and his old mum - was a boring boring shithole. besides - i knew my dad's mate had a garage, was quiet and was basically my kind of place to be - lots to do and him and his army friends arranged big BBQ's and a paintball shoot - these were rare good things. I needed these. I think i miss these things. But it was unsettling still. Moreso when i found some things on their computer that were stomach turning. Little kids and people on animals all sorts of bloody things. How do you think i felt then? sicker.

     Trying to stay beyond these things is very difficult. I Felt that i couldnt do anything for a long time about these things because he WAS MY DAD. I t was a few years later i made up my mind and decided i would forget 'the father' part forever, just like 'my uncle' , 'my mum' and 'my brother' and anyone else who have brought me crashing down. Do you know what though? I DID put all the things familywise behind me and continue the usual family thing. Because i can and wanted to pretend - just like them. (This is what my ex partner could not handle.)

     I could never however, stop feeling an outcast and alone through everything. It reminded me of dreams i had constantly when i was very young for years till i was 9 or 10, the dream would be of my mum leaving me in the town and running off as im trying to find her, then it would switch to my mum, dad and brother together and me being shot at to stay away and then seeing them walk away together, as i'm kneeling there in tears. B ut this is how they were in life, stuck together and helped each other - anything to do with me was dropped or used and basically help didnt exist. My brother had everything and whatever he wanted and more was handed to him no questions, no second thoughts on a silver plate. He never did any wrong - not when he broke things or beat me up or anything. This was just like the attitude at school really. Except when i did something silly accidentally or was accused of something i would have some useful possessions taken away - a couple of times it was even clothes and they’d be thrown in the bins. I also remember my brand new car i bought myself (was ace) being taken away the day i got it and thrown somewhere i never found it again - just because i was using it as i was going to do the dishes < what the fuck was that all about? what was the point? i felt as shite inside as the day i was given a game and my bro threw it at some china after getting annoyed with it (this was my damn game!) and dad blamed it on me after my bro saying 'dunno' and then took it and right in my face snapped it in half. I felt my heart rip itself and my left arm fill with needles. I get that often, when something is stomped on infront of my eyes, be it physically or psychologically. Everything builds up you know, it might be of the little things too but it still hurts like mad.

     Its not so much objects now, its just the case of anything i do or happen to have is rubbished and flicked aside just like myself. My capri is the prime example here - because ITS MINE and my attention is on IT instead of being wasted on people/them. Laughed at is the expression here. No matter what i have done or plan to do to  my car, people just laugh at me - or at least say ' you cant do that', ' now thats not right'. people cant help but scratch it, dent it and steal bits from the outside < even though its out of the way and had two thick covers over it. Purposely pissing me off and ruining things. I had to stick a camera on it 24/7 and sit by the window as often as possible with a gun. Had to sleep with my window open too to hear anything. 

 

    I dont have much anyway. But people just wont stop until i am left with fuck all. It has happened before - reduced to my knees with nothing. They love seeing my on my knees - everyone. I dont understand why. Nobody seems to even like what i have so why act as if they want it? ARE THEY JEALOUS OF HOW HAPPY I AM LIVING WITH SO LITTLE? THAT I DONT NEED ANOTHER HUMAN BEING IN MY LIFE? I SOMETIMES JUST WANT THEM. 

    I think that i'm going to carry on being me though - ok, ok, it basically means that i am going to assume, no ACT, like i have everything and stuff it in peoples' faces just to satisfy a small curiosity about finding what makes them so sick of me.        

I AM GOING TO 'PLAY THE MILLIONAIRE AT PARTIES',  COS I FUCKING LIKE IT.

I move like i don't care - smooth as silk cool as air and walk on imported air like a millionaire: The black, sleek finery that is my suit with a crisp white tie. Polished Silver Scorpion round my neck. Black Armoured leather gloves and a long black Fabric coat. With my eyes in the shadow of my hat, You'd think it was the fifties and i had just robbed a bank of millions - That very same style smile as if i could do it with my eyes shut everyday.

I always liked the gangster image you know. Suits me - if i do say so myself!! hehehehehe.

        It comes in handy if you want people to stay the hell away from you. It pretty much says a bold statement about what you are like.                                                                             I am Often Imitated, Never Equalled. 

 

I often think about finally meeting the one person in the world. I think about allsorts of different ways it could happen... from; getting to know them gradually without realising how they really feel or i feel for that matter until years later (wich is the most normal thought!!!!) To; myself raiding a building avoiding the security and so on, and then letting myself get spotted (just to liven my night up!) and literally running into them, taking them down and try 'killing eachother' and for the later realisation - giving up and disappearing, to return again and find out 'who they are'.       

I always wondered what they would be like too. In a way i think that they will be a mixture of all the things i loved about other people i have met in my life - for example; i love tall people and people who love cars, and i liked the way someone spoke and thought about the things i think about. But then i bring myself back to reality and realise that there is no one alive strong enough to remotely be a friend.

I don't know why this is, its as if they find out something that makes them annoyed? (the only word i can find thats close enough!). They cant handle how well i am dealing with the shit thats happened? lets face it - i have never turned to anyone for help with my emotional problems, i have never turned to drugs, i have never turned to drink and i have never smoked!! Dont worry - i make up for these by swearing alot!!! shameful sometimes!  hehehehehe. But i have also never turned into a thug or a person who goes out and takes the piss out of things in general. I remember a couple of years back, shooting the shed and object ruins at the bottom of my garden - mainly catapult and steel bearings as it was 'less offensive' and rarely used a Co2 pistol (good as it was quieter than a real gun!), and my old-man-neighbour said to me "haven't you got anything better to do than annoy all the neighbours?". I just stood there and said - "I'm sorry, would you prefer it that i didnt keep myself isolated and shot at you or your new shed? or perhaps instead of minding my own business in my own house, go out in  a group and start petrol bombing people's cars or beating people up? you got a better fucking idea as to how to vent my anger because of what has just happened in MY life i'd like to fucking hear it you nosy and stupid motherfucker."         Some people eh?

I was thinking again a few nights ago, as always, but this time i realised something. It was about a key i found in my capri's chassis - no joke! (there are some pics in the 'love of my life' album) It has an X on it. Maybe this is roman numerical or just the letter < i think the letter. I recently changed my name. Maybe the letter X is from my name, perhaps something 'knew' something in a way? X being in the middle, or a part of, my new name?

Maybe even a symbol of something, like i have found the key - the capri was the keeper, maybe there is a 'door' - even if its a psychological/ emotional 'door' . I think also about another word X is used for - a kiss. Could this be something?   

This is a 1950's chest or padlock type key (or so i'm told)

......So what would a 50's key be doing in a 1987 car in a place where you could not just think: 'Oh i lost my shed key but i have a spare in the car, i will just get it' as you would have had to take the driver seat out, then take up all the carpeting on that side and fished it out using small pliers or a small magnet. - It must have meant more than just a spare garage key, you know?

I found it in a very slight puddle and thick with rust flakes. i cleaned it very carefully and there it was. 

 

 Here is a little something i was told by a random 'why not' i felt like trying out on a horoscope type page:

 

Your Life Path Number is 7
Your Life Path Number represents the path you should take through life and the talents and skills you have to make your journey a rewarding one.

The Life Path of a 7 is to find universal truths and pursue inner-knowledge. You will explore the mysteries of life and uncover the true meaning of existence. Much of your time will be spent alone, which you will welcome, because isolation will provide you with the time and quiet to pursue knowledge. As your wisdom grows, people will seek you out with the hope you will share your knowledge.

Positive Traits:

Analytical, Mystical, Prepared, Wise

Negative Traits:

Aloof, Cynical, Superficial, Fussy

General Description:

The Number 7 denotes introspection and the pursuit of universal truths. 7 is the Number of the individual seeking knowledge in solitude. Wherever a 7 appears in a chart mysticism may come into play. 7 is considered the number that connects Heaven and Earth. Throughout history many priests have thought 7 was the number of God.

 The more i read this and think about it, the more i know how true and me it is.

 

   

      The last time i tried killing myself was in 2003. Gone quick i'll give it that. I have tried eight times in total, not to mention the times i came close to disappearing altogether. It was an overdose  this time - of paracetamol (30 of them - i didnt think it would be enough but it was all i had and worth a try at the time.) Next morning, about 7 hours later, i was very very sick. For days i could taste nothing but paracetamol and i have never drank lemonade since! (I emptied the little cases into a glass of lemonade to hit me quicker)

 A week later after people started asking why i was so sick all of a sudden i had no choice but to see the doctor - i was slightly curious as to how many i SHOULD have taken to die and as to whether or not i did any damage to myself in the process. I never told anyone anything, nor would i have, the only reason people found out was when the next evening the doctor i saw came to my house because he was, and i thought so too, genuinely concerned about me. Funny how all my mother could do or say was shout and scream and call me all the names under the sun. Pointless really. I just went to my room and sat there. Oh that was it - she did ask me in the usual sarcastic tone of voice why i did it, what was the point, what was so bad etc. but i just thought to myself; dont even bother asking questions you are too blind to even see the cause of in the first place. Which is true - if you cant even see whats right under your nose 24/7 for a number of YEARS, whats the use of me 'explaining' anything when i tried at the first instance and did ask for help but i was swept aside.

I dont like to make a habit of repeating myself or giving anyone more than one chance. Not for anything. You ignore me the first time or mess the chance up first time then its a permanent case of; sod you then. Dont you dare come running to me or blame me or ask me any questions when it hits you.

   Anyway, the doctor said i should go to a psychologist ASAP. So i did. First time for everything. My mum waited out side the room the first day - insisted on coming eitherway. Although i knew they were just paid to sit and 'do their thing' and probably didnt care, i just started to spill things and got really upset in the process. After years and years of bottling everything i had to say and anything i felt up (I have no feelings according to everyone else. And I dont have the right to tell people what i think either good or bad.) It felt pretty good to talk out loud with someone else in the room. I'm too used to talking to myself!

   They suggested that i go to a foster home. One slight problem with this though.... I dont trust anyone at all anymore and with what even my 'own family' are like, do you think i would like to add another group of people to the circle only to find out that they are no damn better?!? I would like to make my life easier and less stressful not worry about another load of grim possibilities. Already i am at the point where i am constantly switched on and thinking about whats going to happen next / always thinking and looking round  - you know, like a guilty person always with their back to the wall and a gun at the ready. It feels shit.

  The two women shrinks wanted to see my parents the next time round and get us talking to eachother. We agreed and went. The bits about my dad came out and how they suggested fostering - but what i thought about going ahead with it. And then the bits about Rory (my half brother) came out, he is the one everyone loves and whom never does anything wrong. My mum fucking hated it, said i was a lying shit and the usual 'where did that come from then?' and she just stormed straight out the room followed by my dad (i feel that was an excuse for him to leave). I will say it now; my mum said to the other shrink in 2005 and anyone else who was curious about the subject that these two shrinks were useless and bugged me into saying things etc  <well where did this come from then eh? nothing to hide i wonder? sure you weren't covering up the   TRUTH?            Me?       YOU  are the lying, two faced sack of shit!!!!!! 

    I never went back to those shrinks again. Mainly because of the shit i got from my parents about it. My attitude to this was  'well, if it shuts you up and keeps you the fuck away from me then i wont bloody go.'

  Do you know what they decided to do after this shrink visit? parade me around town (now, i had my face as red as a traffic lamp and my mascara poured down my face. I had no other way of getting home without a lift from the dear ol' parents and i was still bloody watery.) we parked up in the middle of town, walked through town and sat in a big pub right by the windows. CASUALLY, asking me if i wanted anything and started talking about normal things to eachother       < God knows what all this was about. but thats the way it was for me, it was only me and it didnt matter at the end of the day.   You might say i am used to this treatment but fuck me, was it some sort of massive joke that only i didnt understand and some git magically forgot to tell me afterwards?  I mean What, what was this all in aid of?   

This time around was taking the fucking piss out of everything about me. I needed help here too and all i got was something that was swept under the carpet.                

                         777

 The year 2007. Started off good really - as i expected. Instead of sitting and having to put up with the people i hate like all the other new years' celebrations, i decided to take a stroll around the park. I stopped at a small wooden bridge and waited for 12 O'clock in a freezing wind and crystal clear night. The moon was full. Beautiful because the moon was reflecting onto the little stream underneath me and reminds me of a place i have a picture of in one of my albums on here..   when i look into that picture i see myself alone and on a short platform - no difference there !! The fireworks broke it all however, and they could be seen quite clearly where i was. I felt truely happy and it didnt take much to smile - not a 'forced' smile, you know? loved it.        

It's a new year - Been at college for half a year, I am now 20, now I have the job i have been searching for for years and years and the fact that this is ME and MY Capri's year, i know that it will be a lucky year. A good year. The year i crush all bugs that have plagued me.   A fresh start.  

I decided to celebrate 7.7.07, wich falls on a saturday i might add, by seeing my car and giving him some TLC and then stay in a ridiculously oversized hotel room (I always wanted to do it so why not?!)

  

   I went to see the love of my life early Feb. and i was shocked to, say the least, as to what i found had been happening for the previous 3MONTHS! - the storage people that i pay a good £62 a month to look after him, had knowingly left him (with a large hole where the sunroof was removed .) under a crack in the facility's roof and let the weight of water build up on my TWO covers and let it burst. And let it also fill the entire floor layout of the car with a good 10-15 cm of water! The weather has been shite and very very cold so the frozen water expanded and has split the floor pans apart and away from the rest of the body - wich now means that i have to replace the entire floorplan wich was once in near perfect condition throughout!   - Oh, did i mention that my roof is now rusted severely and needs to be cut off completely?  AND that my steering wheel and seat which were also in pretty much perfect condition has been eaten away because of the fucking trees and mushrooms that were growing all over them!   - They couldnt even be fucked to put my battery on a drip, like they do with all the shiny, expensive cars they have to look after - wich i told them to do (and they agreed) the last time i saw him back in Oct! so there they are again knowing damn well the situation the car was in - this also being that my car has NO alternator - hence asking for the drip.

Aaahhh....  Sometimes i just wanna take a nuclear bomb and drop the bastard on the whole worthless human population. No respect whatsofuckingever. Once again its more hatred to heap upon the fire. I can honestly say that if those clowns at the storage place hadent have known about their actions and ran off out my way when i can to see and collect him, i would have, first of all,  stabbed each and every one of them straight in the mouth so i could see the blade out the back - Then i would have got the emergency axe and chopped them right in the guts till they dropped for good. Then i think my capri may have ACCIDENTALLY PARKED ITSELF ON THEIR FUCKING HEADS.

 

   

YOU ALWAYS GET ONE PRAT.  I TRY AND MAKE MY LIFE SLIGHTLY EASIER AND SOME SHIT SCREWS IT ALL UP BECAUSE THEY ARE JEALOUS.   SICK TO DEATH OF IT. CARRY ON I SAY - I SWEAR TO HELL NOTHING YOU DO (TRY TO) WILL STOP ME FROM THINKING, FEELING AND ACHIEVEING WHAT I WANT. 

 YOU'LL ONLY MAKE MY LAUGH EVEN MORE INFECTIOUS AT THE END OF IT ALL. SO HAPPY HALLOWEEN MOTHERFUCKER

 

 Do you know the ONLY thing i hate me for? for having emotion. But not just any emotion - the kind that makes you blind and hurts the most when things go wrong.       Love.  It's uncontrollable. You just melt into a little puddle instantly when your eyes lock. You go insane not seeing them and when you do, all you can do is wish you were a part of them and could just touch them. Knowing that they will never be yours just enrages you almost. Seems to be especially when you know that they have chosen    Fool over Dedication.    It's a real shame.  -  I hate not being able to just talk to him about normal things. Hehehe i wont say why i cant! (to do with occupations and what others would think- for his sake not mine - i dont care what others think). But you already guessed he has a 'partner' already.

Thing is is he is seperate from anyone else. It took me a while to see it but the little thing like him being the only person in the world never to have said anything against me or my car in any way - not even as a 'joke' or 'reffering to' thing. He really is the ONLY one its why i trust him mainly i think. . Its funny really. i felt a bit guilty when i called him SHORTstuff (now i only said this to A break the ice, that and he smiles then so i guess it was to achieve that too!, and B there is no way i could have said CUTEstuff again - people would have hung one of us!)

And NO, there is nothing odd about his height, i mean he is exactly the same height as me with no shoes on so.. it was infact he that emplied his height was short - i was just dying to poke him in the eye and say : YOU ARE PERFECT, BLOODYWELL BELIEVE IT WILL YOU!!  

hehehehe.     Even the inside of him matches up perfectly (and yes hidden in a tiny spec i am these things too! i just have more hate and anger to hide it with) - really caring, careful, sweet, funny, mega intelligent (so he is wasted where he is- but this one i am not!! hehehe), helpful, reliable the list goes on.  God i love him. love his smile, love his voice, love what he says and how he looks when he says it, love his humor, love how good he is with machines,  i love everything dammit. drives me nuts.

It would be great to tell him he looked great in plain black and dark grey too!   rrrrrrrrrrrrrr

 

It would be great. but. Its just one of those things isnt it. Besides , this is me here - who in their right mind eh?

      

 

  The love of my life will be put into action soon, just need to make a few more modifications to allow him to sail through the MOT ok. Cant wait. Been patient enough all these years and i need him around. I need to refresh my memory as to how to drive him, how he performs, where his limits are. I just cannot wait to be rolling along the roads with my other half again.

 

                                                                           NOT LONG NOW.

 

You know,  i often get people asking me why i made a gas powered machine gun (took me a few years!!) and why i adore tanks and military equipment , history etc and generally all things 'bad' for you like those mad cars movies and completely lunatic-like computer games like 'carmageddon'.

And i often get people calling me paranoid and 'no-one is going to do that.' and other pointless things said to me. 

I normally have to reply with; 'I MIGHT BE PARANOID BUT IT DOESNT MEAN THEY'RE NOT OUT TO GET ME.' or 'DO YOU HONESTLY THINK I AM GONNA LIVE MY LIFE BEING UNPREPARED FOR ANYTHING? WHICH INCLUDES THE MONSTERS OUT THERE JUST WAITING TO TRY AND DAMAGE MY LIFE? AND JUST LET THEM TAKE WHAT I HAVE LEFT AWAY FROM ME?   NO.'